The
general consensus seems to be that Bernie can't win. Well, just
remember, they said that about George McGovern and Walter Mondale,
too. Bernie can win if YOU vote for him. So, hop on board the
Bernie Express and I'm sure I can convince you to “Feel the Bern!”
No need to worry about your carbon footprint. This train is powered
by unicorn farts. Zero emissions! So sit back, enjoy a
complimentary cup of kool aid and let me explain why you should vote
for Bernie. Next stop – Egalitarian nirvana!
REASON
1
Thousands of teenagers
can't be wrong!
The Bern has been
drawing large and enthusiastic crowds at college campuses across the
country. Generally speaking, these young people have never
really done anything and their biggest accomplishment was scoring
above average on the SAT, but hey, these kids are really smart! When
faced with an important decision with far-reaching implications, the
wise man asks, “What would a teenager do?” Thousands of
teenagers can't be wrong, can they?
REASON
2
A national minimum wage
of $15 an hour!
Bernie has stated he
wants to create millions of jobs, and one of the ways he plans to do
it is by raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour. What a brilliant
idea! 97 percent of economists at the prestigious Keynesian School
agree that as the cost of labor goes up, the demand for that labor
increases. This is what the select experts call “settled”
economics. While I was hoping for $21.72 an hour, I'm sure the Bern
is much more familiar with the intricacies of a command and control
economy, so I will defer to his judgment on this. In any event, I
think we can all agree that wages and prices are much too important
to be left to the vagaries of the free market, which isn't really
free at all. It's common knowledge the market is controlled by the
Koch brothers through their manipulation of the military-industrial
complex. I'm pretty sure Dick Cheney is pulling some levers in
there, too!
REASON
3
Free college for
everyone!
Bernie wants free
college because it is the “right thing to do” and he laments the
hundreds of thousands of Americans who cannot go to college “for
one reason alone, their families cannot afford it.” It's a
terrible thing! My wife and I could not afford college tuition for
our children. My son went to war for our country and as a small
measure of recompense, the United States provided him the GI Bill,
which allowed him to attend college for “free.” My daughter,
through hard work, diligence and academic and musical achievement,
qualified for substantial scholarship awards and yet still finds
herself in substantial debt. Should our young people have to risk
their lives or work really hard just to get into college? Of course
not. If I may borrow a line from President Obama, “That's not who
we are!” What about the kid who has spent the last few years in
his parents' basement playing video games and eating ding dongs? Or
how about the aging hippie whose dream of pursuing a degree in
women's studies was crushed by the weight of corporate greed. Don't
they deserve the opportunities provided by a college education, too?
You know in your heart they do. As an added benefit, the increase in
college attendees along with “government” paying the tuition will
help drive down the costs, because it is also “settled” economics
that when the government is paying for something and the demand for
that thing goes through the roof, the costs for that thing go down.
Another win, win, win proposal from the Bern!
REASON
4
Save the starving
children!
Bernie has adroitly
recognized the cause of starvation in America. Too many consumer
choices! Said the Bern “You don't necessarily need a choice of 23
underarm spray deodorants or of 18 different pairs of sneakers when
children are hungry in this country.” Who knew? If you are unable
to grasp the symbiotic relationship between an abundance of personal
hygiene products and starving children, might I suggest another glass
of kool aid? Choice is good sometimes, to be sure. It's a basic
human right to choose to kill your unborn child or to choose if you
are a man or a woman, but Americans so often go to extremes with
their selfish desire for more choices, ergo, starving children.
REASON
5
Stop climate change and
end terrorism.
Bernie believes the
greatest threat to national security is climate change and he argues
that, “climate change is directly related to the growth of
terrorism.” He explained, “If
there is not enough water, if there is not enough land to grow your
crops, then you’re going to see migrants of people fighting over
land that will sustain them, and that will lead to international
conflict.” This is why, before going on a murderous rampage or
blowing themselves up in a crowd of people, the terrorists always
scream, “I'M REALLY THIRSTY!” Some people
might wonder why climate change seems to have such a disparate impact
on Muslims as opposed to say Jews or Christians. While the latter
group simply adjusts the thermostat up when we are experiencing
catastrophic global cooling and then down when we are in the throes
of catastrophic global warming, a significant percentage of Muslims
start beheading, raping and blowing up innocent people. If you're
one of the haters that wonders this, have some more kool aid. So, we
gut the military and pour that money into windmills, solar panels and
fairy dust converters. Save the planet AND end terrorism. That's
Bernie “win, win” Sanders for you!
To close this out, let
me be serious for a minute. This country is on a path to extinction.
I don't know if we are beyond the point of no return but we owe it
to ourselves, and, more importantly, posterity to never stop
fighting. America is the greatest country in the world. Apparently,
Bernie disagrees. In another speech to some idiot college students,
he said the United States was founded “from way back on racist
principles.” Bullshit! This country was founded on revolutionary
and quite virtuous principles, the cornerstone of which is the
recognition of the individual as a sovereign being and the concept
that he is endowed by God with certain unalienable rights. That
these principles were not always applied uniformly is a deep scar
from our history but it does not invalidate those principles. This
country did not invent slavery but it did end it. The ending of
slavery was not inconsistent with our founding principles. In fact,
the Constitution facilitated the end of that great scourge.
President Obama
promised “change” and he certainly delivered. While clearly a
Marxist, he seems reticent to fully articulate the case for
socialism. Now we have a presidential candidate that will complete
the change. Bernie is an avowed socialist and he has no problem
saying it. His honesty is refreshing and makes for a clear and
distinct choice.
Free individuals,
acting in their own self-interest, will obviously create different
and, as liberals would call them, unequal outcomes. For our
Founders, equality was thought desirous only in the context of the
law, not in income, social status or any metric that would require a
limit on individual freedom to obtain. Socialism is antithetical to
individual sovereignty. The goal of socialism is equality in all
things. This necessarily means a limit on individual freedom and an
increase in government power. Someone will have to determine what
level of equality is acceptable and formulate laws applicable to a
myriad of circumstances. Perhaps Bernie will establish a “Blue
Ribbon Commission on Equality.” In fact, I know he will.
Socialism always requires a central body to decide things. Then he
will, to paraphrase Thomas Jefferson, erect a multitude of new
offices, and send hither swarms of officers to harass our people and
eat out their substance. Long ago, Adam Smith argued that free
individuals, pursuing their own self-interests, actually did more to
promote the general welfare of society than the politicians. He
described this occurrence as being effected by an “invisible hand.”
Socialism is an Iron Fist. We will not be free but we will all be
equal in our misery. Just say no to the pasty white Marxist.
