FEEL THE BERN

The general consensus seems to be that Bernie can't win. Well, just remember, they said that about George McGovern and Walter Mondale, too. Bernie can win if YOU vote for him. So, hop on board the Bernie Express and I'm sure I can convince you to “Feel the Bern!” No need to worry about your carbon footprint. This train is powered by unicorn farts. Zero emissions! So sit back, enjoy a complimentary cup of kool aid and let me explain why you should vote for Bernie. Next stop – Egalitarian nirvana!

REASON 1

Thousands of teenagers can't be wrong!

The Bern has been drawing large and enthusiastic crowds at college campuses across the country. Generally speaking, these young people have never really done anything and their biggest accomplishment was scoring above average on the SAT, but hey, these kids are really smart! When faced with an important decision with far-reaching implications, the wise man asks, “What would a teenager do?” Thousands of teenagers can't be wrong, can they?

REASON 2

A national minimum wage of $15 an hour!

Bernie has stated he wants to create millions of jobs, and one of the ways he plans to do it is by raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour. What a brilliant idea! 97 percent of economists at the prestigious Keynesian School agree that as the cost of labor goes up, the demand for that labor increases. This is what the select experts call “settled” economics. While I was hoping for $21.72 an hour, I'm sure the Bern is much more familiar with the intricacies of a command and control economy, so I will defer to his judgment on this. In any event, I think we can all agree that wages and prices are much too important to be left to the vagaries of the free market, which isn't really free at all. It's common knowledge the market is controlled by the Koch brothers through their manipulation of the military-industrial complex. I'm pretty sure Dick Cheney is pulling some levers in there, too!

REASON 3

Free college for everyone!

Bernie wants free college because it is the “right thing to do” and he laments the hundreds of thousands of Americans who cannot go to college “for one reason alone, their families cannot afford it.” It's a terrible thing! My wife and I could not afford college tuition for our children. My son went to war for our country and as a small measure of recompense, the United States provided him the GI Bill, which allowed him to attend college for “free.” My daughter, through hard work, diligence and academic and musical achievement, qualified for substantial scholarship awards and yet still finds herself in substantial debt. Should our young people have to risk their lives or work really hard just to get into college? Of course not. If I may borrow a line from President Obama, “That's not who we are!” What about the kid who has spent the last few years in his parents' basement playing video games and eating ding dongs? Or how about the aging hippie whose dream of pursuing a degree in women's studies was crushed by the weight of corporate greed. Don't they deserve the opportunities provided by a college education, too? You know in your heart they do. As an added benefit, the increase in college attendees along with “government” paying the tuition will help drive down the costs, because it is also “settled” economics that when the government is paying for something and the demand for that thing goes through the roof, the costs for that thing go down. Another win, win, win proposal from the Bern!

REASON 4

Save the starving children!

Bernie has adroitly recognized the cause of starvation in America. Too many consumer choices! Said the Bern “You don't necessarily need a choice of 23 underarm spray deodorants or of 18 different pairs of sneakers when children are hungry in this country.” Who knew? If you are unable to grasp the symbiotic relationship between an abundance of personal hygiene products and starving children, might I suggest another glass of kool aid? Choice is good sometimes, to be sure. It's a basic human right to choose to kill your unborn child or to choose if you are a man or a woman, but Americans so often go to extremes with their selfish desire for more choices, ergo, starving children.

REASON 5

Stop climate change and end terrorism.

Bernie believes the greatest threat to national security is climate change and he argues that, “climate change is directly related to the growth of terrorism.” He explained, “If there is not enough water, if there is not enough land to grow your crops, then you’re going to see migrants of people fighting over land that will sustain them, and that will lead to international conflict.” This is why, before going on a murderous rampage or blowing themselves up in a crowd of people, the terrorists always scream, “I'M REALLY THIRSTY!” Some people might wonder why climate change seems to have such a disparate impact on Muslims as opposed to say Jews or Christians. While the latter group simply adjusts the thermostat up when we are experiencing catastrophic global cooling and then down when we are in the throes of catastrophic global warming, a significant percentage of Muslims start beheading, raping and blowing up innocent people. If you're one of the haters that wonders this, have some more kool aid. So, we gut the military and pour that money into windmills, solar panels and fairy dust converters. Save the planet AND end terrorism. That's Bernie “win, win” Sanders for you!

To close this out, let me be serious for a minute. This country is on a path to extinction. I don't know if we are beyond the point of no return but we owe it to ourselves, and, more importantly, posterity to never stop fighting. America is the greatest country in the world. Apparently, Bernie disagrees. In another speech to some idiot college students, he said the United States was founded “from way back on racist principles.” Bullshit! This country was founded on revolutionary and quite virtuous principles, the cornerstone of which is the recognition of the individual as a sovereign being and the concept that he is endowed by God with certain unalienable rights. That these principles were not always applied uniformly is a deep scar from our history but it does not invalidate those principles. This country did not invent slavery but it did end it. The ending of slavery was not inconsistent with our founding principles. In fact, the Constitution facilitated the end of that great scourge.

President Obama promised “change” and he certainly delivered. While clearly a Marxist, he seems reticent to fully articulate the case for socialism. Now we have a presidential candidate that will complete the change. Bernie is an avowed socialist and he has no problem saying it. His honesty is refreshing and makes for a clear and distinct choice.

Free individuals, acting in their own self-interest, will obviously create different and, as liberals would call them, unequal outcomes. For our Founders, equality was thought desirous only in the context of the law, not in income, social status or any metric that would require a limit on individual freedom to obtain. Socialism is antithetical to individual sovereignty. The goal of socialism is equality in all things. This necessarily means a limit on individual freedom and an increase in government power. Someone will have to determine what level of equality is acceptable and formulate laws applicable to a myriad of circumstances. Perhaps Bernie will establish a “Blue Ribbon Commission on Equality.” In fact, I know he will. Socialism always requires a central body to decide things. Then he will, to paraphrase Thomas Jefferson, erect a multitude of new offices, and send hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance. Long ago, Adam Smith argued that free individuals, pursuing their own self-interests, actually did more to promote the general welfare of society than the politicians. He described this occurrence as being effected by an “invisible hand.” Socialism is an Iron Fist. We will not be free but we will all be equal in our misery. Just say no to the pasty white Marxist.