COLLECTIVE BARGAINING & OTHER LIBERAL NONSENSE - PART 1

Roland, a hard working business man, needs new tires for the family car. This will be Roland's first experience with automotive service since President Obama's Human Rights Czar decreed access to affordable car care a basic human right. To facilitate this new right, Obama nationalized all the auto service businesses in the country. Lets see how this works out for Roland.

Roland arrives at his District Government Automotive Service (GAS) Station. It is a huge facility with a big sign out front proclaiming: “THIS PROJECT WAS FUNDED WITH STIMULUS MONEY AND BUILT WITH UNION LABOR.” Marvelous, thinks Roland.

After a twenty minute wait, Roland finally is escorted to the office of Mr. Feinwad, a State Certified Tire Expert. “What do you need Roland?” says Mr. Feinwad in greeting.
“New tires,” says Roland.
“What kind of car do you drive?”
“A Ford Taurus,” replies Roland.
“Oh, that's too bad. President Obama just instituted a great discount plan on tires for all GM vehicles.”
“Well, I've got a Ford.”
“All righty then. Lets get to work on a solution that benefits all concerned.”
“What?” says Roland.
“Let me go do some checking. Be right back.” Feinwad leaves the office. Roland waits.
Ten minutes later, Feinwad returns. “I've got a deal for you Roland. I recommend that we go with the Super Duper brand tire which has the governments highest safety rating. Shall I put them on for you?”
“Wait a minute,” says Roland, “How much are they?”
“$1000 a tire for a total of $4000. Not including tax and surcharges, of course.”
“$4000! Are you nuts? I drive a Taurus, not an earth mover. I can't afford $4000 for some damn tires!”
“Come on, Roland. You own your own business. I'm fairly certain you've got a big wad of cash stashed somewhere and you're just too greedy to spread it around.”
Roland is speechless. He stares at Feinwad as he struggles to keep his emotions in check.
Feinwad continues, “You got kids?”
Roland gathers himself, “Not that it's any of your business, but yes, I have kids.”
“Well,” smirks Feinwad, “these tires would provide the highest level of safety for them. It's all about the kids.”
Roland is incredulous. “What in the hell are you talking about? I'll worry about my own kids!”
“It takes a village to raise a child.”
“You're an idiot Feinwad. Do you have a reliable tire that doesn't cost so much?”
Feinwad shakes his head. “Lets try to maintain some civility here. To demonstrate that I am bargaining in good faith, I'll let you have the Adequate brand tires for $150 each.”
“Good, I'll take them,” responds Roland. “When can you have my car ready?”
“Whoa there. You can't expect me to accept that deal with no concessions on your part.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Your choice of the cheaper tire has negatively affected the total compensation for me and my union brothers. You'll have to make that up somewhere else.”
“Huh?” replies a confused Roland.
“It's collective bargaining. President Obama has wisely decided to pattern Government Automotive Service after our wildly successful public school system and that includes the fundamental right of workers to unionize for the purpose of collective bargaining.”
Knowing he was probably going to regret it, Roland still could not let that statement go uncontested. “Did you say wildly successful public school system?”
“Yes,” nods Feinwad.
“Well, I just saw a story on the news that said two-thirds of Wisconsin eighth graders cannot read proficiently.”
“Was that Fox News?”
“Why yes, I think it was.”
“Fox lies, Fox lies!” screamed Feinwad.
“Geez, calm down. A little civility please.” said Roland. “So most eighth graders can read well?”
“Ha ha! No, most eighth graders can't read more than a twenty-character tweet, but Fox News didn't tell you the whole story. Did you know the average compensation, including wages and benefits, for Wisconsin teachers is nearly $90,000? Now that is what I call wildly successful.”
“At least for the teachers.” replies Roland.
With arms raised to the heavens, Feinwad proclaims “It's the miracle of collective bargaining!”
With growing trepidation, Roland pushes forward, “What about my tires?”
“Hang on a minute. Let me get a union brother to help resolve this.” Feinwad leaves and Roland waits. Twenty minutes later Feinwad returns with a union brother.
“Okay, Roland, I think you will find this agreeable. We'll go with the Adequate brand tire if you will agree to a brake job.”
“What? I don't need new brakes.”
“Are you a brake expert? No, of course you're not. But Mr. Kohl here is.” The new guy steps forward and shows Roland his credential that certifies he is a State approved brake technician. “So, you drive a Ford Taurus, huh? Too bad. President Obama has authorized some great deals on brakes for all GM cars. Oh well, I'm sure we can get you fixed up.”
“I don't need anything fixed up. I need new tires.”
“So you say. How many miles on your car?”
“About forty thousand,” replies Roland.
Mr. Kohl looks horrified, “Oh my. The State Commission on Brake Safety recommends new brakes every thirty thousand miles.”
“That's ridiculous! There's nothing wrong with my breaks!”
“So you say. Better safe than sorry, I like to say,” replies Kohl.
“I'm sure you do. You're not the one getting screwed here. I think I'll just take my business elsewhere.”
Like a couple of hyena's on crack, Feinwad and Kohl bust out laughing. “Where you gonna go?” asks Feinwad. “Private automotive service is illegal,” says Kohl.
“How can that be?”
Another smirk from Feinwad. “It's the Quality Automotive Service and Fairness Act. Because automobile service is a basic human right, it is a societal obligation of all citizens to participate in the program. If rich people like you were allowed to opt out then the whole system would collapse with the poor and working families suffering the most, of course.”
Roland is beginning to think he should have been paying more attention.
“What if I just leave and don't get new tires?”
“Of course, that is your right,” replies Kohl. “This is America, after all. However, I must inform you that it is our duty to report you to social services.”
“What on earth for?” replies Roland.
“Driving around with bald tires constitutes child neglect.”
Shaken, Roland takes a seat. “How much for the break job?”
“With new brake pads and rotors I think $2000 ought to cover it,” replies Kohl.
Roland is up out of his chair, “No effing way! $2000 for a brake job?” What the hell are your labor rates?”
“Well, the parts are about $1200,” replies Kohl calmly.
“$1200 for brake pads and rotors? No way. Last time I bought them it cost me about $250! Where do you buy your parts from?”
“We buy all our parts from the GAS Station Trust.”
“Never heard of it.”
“It's owned by our union.”
“What? How can you do that?”
“It's an item subject to collective bargaining,” smiles Kohl.
“How much would the brake job cost if you bought the parts from Bob's Auto Parts store?”
asks Roland.
“About $1200,” replies Kohl, “but...”
“I know, let me guess,” says Roland. “If you do that I will need to get a new muffler or some other such nonsense, right?”
“Now you're talking Roland. That's what we call bargaining in good faith!” says Feinwad.
“Every time I try to save some money it just seems to end up costing me more!” says a thoroughly disgusted Roland. “Do I have any recourse? When does it end?”
“If you will agree to the $1800 muffler job it will end right right now.” replies Feinwad.
“We're back to the Union parts store aren't we?” says Roland.
“Well, yes, it's a negotiated...”
“I know, I know!” screams Roland. “I mean, what if I think you are being unreasonable?”
“Well, I'm sorry you feel that way,” says Kohl. “It's really all about quality car care.”
“Seems to me it's all about your compensation.”
“Well, I never!” huffs Feinwad. “If you think we are being unreasonable, the government has put in place safeguards for all concerned. We had hoped to avoid it, but there is always binding arbitration.”
Without thinking, Roland says “I want it!”

Still with his bald tires, a dazed and confused Roland drives home to await a date with the State certified arbitrator.

TO BE CONTINUED